Lead me…

I opened my Tagged site and my eyes landed on the Calendar alert where it shows “45 days left” – My Groom’s wedding.  Tears began to fill my eyes again… I’m waiting for it to drop, but it never… it just stayed there at the corner… hoping that the man who’s causing me pain would soon wipe it…

To be fair and honest with my self and with God and to people I am not answerable to, I am getting weaker and weaker as the days go closer to that day.  Smiles are getting fake, laughter I hear is not the same laughter I have before… embracing seems to get too tight to gain strength… and only silence can preserve the remaining energy that I have.

I hate myself for holding on to this for so long.  Why moving on seems to be so slow?  Why a sudden memory washes away instantly my hard-earned effort.  Why do I fail at forgetting?  Why does my being tough doesn’t get in?  Why am I struggling? Why can’t I say goodbye?

Then I found this picture… puppies hugging each other tight.  The picture made me smile a bit.
I love puppies… I love dogs… I will soon find my own Puppy… cause my PUPID… is no longer there.

On December 30, 2006, I would want to see myself sitting on the rough edges of a wooden bench… in front of me is a wide-deep sea… I’ll be wearing silky white… on barefoot… playing flute or violin while waiting for the new sunrise…

I will surely be in a place where I could truly embrace the world… where I could kneel down before the Creator who will lead me in one perfect way…

Lord, please take away all the pain. 
I am not asking for another Man in replacement of the One i have loved.
Just take it away…

I will be back. Lead me where you want me to be…
Don’t make it hard for me to leave and forget.

Lead me Lord, lead me by the hand
And help me face the rising sun
Comfort me through all the pain
That life may bring
There's no other hope
That I can lean upon
Lead me Lord Lead me all my life

Walk by me, walk by me across
The lonely road that I may face
Take my arms and let your hand
Show me the way
Show the way to live inside your heart
All my days, all my life