What hurts us…

Some people say that you don't know what you have until you lose it.

In truth, you always know what you have, you just never thought, you would lose it.

"It's not what people do to us that hurts us,
in the most fundamental sense,
it is our chosen response to what they do to us that hurts us.."

- Stephen R. Covey 

 

Invisible String ._.

It has always been easy for us to fight back, to end up relationships, to throw nasty opinions, to accuse somebody, to be not overly sensitive with other’s feelings… all these and all that…

But not in the case of good old friends.

This is what I noticed of my friend.

No matter how serious his sentiments are concerning his friend, in the midst of heightened anger and disappointments, he couldn’t just easily confront and leave her and take her for granted… he will always try to extend a hand to understand… at the very least… he would always wanted to be a friend…  There is always an open passage where they could meet and discuss petty arguments.

Each of them is afraid to lose one another.  In each of their known strengths lies a weakness that’s known to both of them. The Gift of One Self.

The presence of one suffice the absence of whatever it is. 
Nobody is strong enough to face the sentiments of a friend…

There is always a special language in friendship, that even in silence, true friends can understand.  Isn’t it that a look in a friend’s eyes, can easily determine if she’s happy or not.

That’s the privilege…

Don’t waste it.

When you leave a friend… you’re leaving home… 

FRIENDSHIP…. the invisible string that binds the hearts of friends… 

Never a Family

Ask about what we envy the most from others?

Surely, my brother and I will instantly answer…

… a responsible Dad… That we don’t have.

At a very young age, I need not to expect for miracles to work.  I stopped hoping for good to happen in us.  We long to be home and be with our Mom and Dad… but how come, attempting to do that will just bring us somewhere to escape? 

I am already 28 and my brother is 25. 

It has become our choice to grow up decent and responsible, resourceful, tough and independent.  Respect from other people is hardly earned because we cannot escape easily from my Dad’s shadow.  We don’t want to be a copycat of someone who we never idolize.

We often hear from our relatives, from our teachers and mentors…

“Your parents are too lucky to have you both. (Referring to us)”

And when they’re all gone and couldn’t hear us anymore…. We usually answer with…

“Are we lucky to have him?”

On the first day of 2007, one incident brought us home again.  The usual scene where Mom is on the left and my Dad is at the center, me and my brother in front of him.  As if we were in confession room trying to confess everything to Big Brother.  At least, Big Brother, no matter how cruel he appears and how complicated the situation may be, still gives an answer.  Our Dad doesn’t have any but emotional penance.

As I hear my brother sharing his sentiments to our Dad, I sensed the depth of disappointment and anger. Not on the tone of a soon-to-be-lawyer, but of a son, who longs for a Dad’s comfort, presence and promises.

These sentences hit me.

“I tried to write you a letter at the time I was just starting law school.  I beg for you to stood up and fix the mess up in our family and let’s continue to be one.  I beg… beg… and beg… But up to now, I see no change… I see no response.  Now you’re trying to impose family values?  Is there a family to start on with?

How many times have you tried to cut a portion of my allowance just to spend it on the hollow blocks and carpentry tools you need so you won’t get mad at my Mom?  Have you ever thought of how will I survive a week skipping meals just to satisfy your request?”

Seeing my Dad walking out of the conversation upon hearing those, made me conclude that Dad will never get any better.  That is his best defense… to walk out on anything and almost everything.

It signaled that we LOST again our attempt to bridge the gap and it will took a year or so to regain the initiative to try our luck and talk to him again.

I stopped asking for miracles at the time I was in high school.  Instead, we try our very best to perfect our lives, not to gratify ourselves, but the people around us who have high hopes in us…

A quitter who never ever dares to win any battle.

I am excited to see my brother raising his own family and granting his most fervent wish to get my mom from my dad.

We have a Dad… we have a Mom..

What more of Dad are we wishing for?

Are we asking for more?

Or are we asking for what should be given of a father?

We may be complete.

But we were never a family.