Hiling

Anlapit na pala ng birthday ko.  Wala talaga akong mawish para sa sarili ko… lahat ay para sa taong mahal ko at naging parte na ng toinkable life ko…

Pero kagabi, habang papauwi ako.. naluha talaga ako habang dinasal ko ang isang bagay na to…

"Sana ang Paskong darating ang umpisa ng marami pang Paskong pagsasamahan ng isang kumpletong pamilya.  Wala akong maisip na wish para sa isang malapit na tao sa buhay ko kundi ito…"

Naniniwala ako, kapag galing sa puso ang hiling at walang intensiyong masamang dadalhin, matutupad ang wish kong iyon…

Birthday gift mo na lang sa akin yun, Lord.. sige na…

Continue loving…

I used to believe that it is due to my high regards towards family orientation that I managed to give priorities to the values it had taught me. My dealings with other people, though I cannot fully assume are all perfect, but sincere and real.  My parents are not ideal, so are we.  They have their own individual indifferences that for some time they cannot compromised and we, as children, had no options at all but to respect and accept.  In our attempt to do so, a small yet very sensitive part of our being, had been damaged.  

We were affected. 

Argued and reconciled a hundred times.  Separated for awhile and reunited.  It left me with a very clear notion as I go along… that “marriage life” is a constant struggle and bliss comes as a benefit for holding on and making it work.

If there’s anything I was so exposed to in my younger years… that is, “having a family” is a very serious obligation.  It’s something worth keeping.

When I entered Singles for Christ, it clears out my wrong notion of it… Love is not sacrifice… “God is Love”.

“Love is good… and is coupled with sacrifice and trust.  I am not only bound to be committed to the person I chose to marry and to the obligations tied into it… but I am committed to the One who gave all me all the reasons to love.”

My ultimate test of how good or bad person and daughter I am to my parents is to build a family that will no longer be a repeat of what happened.  And in the time being that I am not ready to do that, I’d rather stay single.  I can face the fears of arguing my husband and even my in-laws even if it’s negatively mirrored my family values…. but I can never take for granted what it will cause my children.

Silence doesn’t always mean “there is no conflict.”  There is… It grows within.  It hurts deeply until it burst out.  And it’s a lot more destructive…

Every time I hear serious problems about family, I am easily affected.  Not with the husbands and the wives but on the children.  I was never a parent… I was just a child.  It brings me back the struggles. 

I had a lot of friends who went through this phase; As long as I am here, I tried my best to make things work for them… I’ve got irritating words thrown out of anger and disappointments.  And I understand why they said it. 

Last night, I heard one statement that had lost my temper… I walked downstairs, silently crying…

And I said to myself… “Sometimes, no matter how patient love is… no matter how you love… the heart grows tired of loving… and it’s up to you whether or not to stop right there and then or stop for a moment, regain what was lost and then love again…”

I thank God for a heart that continues to love… despite of everything…

I thank my Lolo and Lola, because I learned it from them…

What my Lolo told me…??  When you get married, you tend to be ONE… in all the hardships and joys… but give a room also for INDIVIDUAL need to be whole…"