Hiling

Anlapit na pala ng birthday ko.  Wala talaga akong mawish para sa sarili ko… lahat ay para sa taong mahal ko at naging parte na ng toinkable life ko…

Pero kagabi, habang papauwi ako.. naluha talaga ako habang dinasal ko ang isang bagay na to…

"Sana ang Paskong darating ang umpisa ng marami pang Paskong pagsasamahan ng isang kumpletong pamilya.  Wala akong maisip na wish para sa isang malapit na tao sa buhay ko kundi ito…"

Naniniwala ako, kapag galing sa puso ang hiling at walang intensiyong masamang dadalhin, matutupad ang wish kong iyon…

Birthday gift mo na lang sa akin yun, Lord.. sige na…

Continue loving…

I used to believe that it is due to my high regards towards family orientation that I managed to give priorities to the values it had taught me. My dealings with other people, though I cannot fully assume are all perfect, but sincere and real.  My parents are not ideal, so are we.  They have their own individual indifferences that for some time they cannot compromised and we, as children, had no options at all but to respect and accept.  In our attempt to do so, a small yet very sensitive part of our being, had been damaged.  

We were affected. 

Argued and reconciled a hundred times.  Separated for awhile and reunited.  It left me with a very clear notion as I go along… that “marriage life” is a constant struggle and bliss comes as a benefit for holding on and making it work.

If there’s anything I was so exposed to in my younger years… that is, “having a family” is a very serious obligation.  It’s something worth keeping.

When I entered Singles for Christ, it clears out my wrong notion of it… Love is not sacrifice… “God is Love”.

“Love is good… and is coupled with sacrifice and trust.  I am not only bound to be committed to the person I chose to marry and to the obligations tied into it… but I am committed to the One who gave all me all the reasons to love.”

My ultimate test of how good or bad person and daughter I am to my parents is to build a family that will no longer be a repeat of what happened.  And in the time being that I am not ready to do that, I’d rather stay single.  I can face the fears of arguing my husband and even my in-laws even if it’s negatively mirrored my family values…. but I can never take for granted what it will cause my children.

Silence doesn’t always mean “there is no conflict.”  There is… It grows within.  It hurts deeply until it burst out.  And it’s a lot more destructive…

Every time I hear serious problems about family, I am easily affected.  Not with the husbands and the wives but on the children.  I was never a parent… I was just a child.  It brings me back the struggles. 

I had a lot of friends who went through this phase; As long as I am here, I tried my best to make things work for them… I’ve got irritating words thrown out of anger and disappointments.  And I understand why they said it. 

Last night, I heard one statement that had lost my temper… I walked downstairs, silently crying…

And I said to myself… “Sometimes, no matter how patient love is… no matter how you love… the heart grows tired of loving… and it’s up to you whether or not to stop right there and then or stop for a moment, regain what was lost and then love again…”

I thank God for a heart that continues to love… despite of everything…

I thank my Lolo and Lola, because I learned it from them…

What my Lolo told me…??  When you get married, you tend to be ONE… in all the hardships and joys… but give a room also for INDIVIDUAL need to be whole…"

I’d still say yes….

I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken — and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.

- Margaret Mitchell

Last night's conversation with a friend made me think a hundred times or more about each and every considerations I had to deal before making a very hard decision.  That was I guess, one of the very unusual times, that I felt I need to open up.  A lot of questions that I tried answering but nothing comes to mind when this question was posed… "What would you tell your child why you weren't together?" 

Till I woke up… I still remember that question…

It wasn't easy… but I'd still say "YES"… not to "YOU" but to "FREEDOM"…  Signs are telling me not to… 

Looks

I was known to a lot of my friends and my family as a very simple-dresser.  I dress very plain.  I've been advised several times to dress up, find time to fix myself more and look good.  I always get reminders from Besku and my brother that there are a lot of good outfits that I need to try wearing on.

I do that at very rare occasions or at anytime my mood is okay.  No extraordinary with my pair of jeans and casual shirt.

And everytime I am broken-hearted, I always find myself the worst-dresser the world has ever known.  No fancy make-up at all.

But I'm fond of looking at fashion magazines… and I don't apply it hehehe.

Lately, I met a friend who dresses very very well. And I told myself, I should try having an overhaul.  Hmm.. Why not?!

It feels good to look good dba? 

Decisions

When you're bound to make very serious decisions, your mind is set to weigh all the pros and cons.  Sometimes because of being so blinded by love, you tend to overlook and ignore the disadvantages.  The happiness it will bring and the pains it will cause all the people surrounding you who had nothing in mind but to see me happy and complete.  It's very hard to know that you're just the only one happy and the rest is sad.  It may be easy to say "I just wanna be happy… and all that…" but in my case, I have to be sensitive and responsible at being happy.

If making decisions is as easy as sitting at the corner and waiting till the leaves fall down… there wouldn't be any problem at all. 

If getting married is just a piece of cake that could easily be sliced and choosing him is as easy as 1-2-3-4-5.  

As William Barclay says, "Love always involves responsibility, and love always involves sacrifice."

Grrr!!!

Sometimes, I wish that somehow the level of initiative, sense of urgency and responsibility is equal among ourselves.

I get easily pissed off when I'm seriously talking in front,  thinking and discussing something and suddenly someone would just crack up jokes or say something that is totally nonsense.  It takes several brain cells to vibrate just to get a damn idea and someone will just throw a nonsense joke to ruin it…. hmp!

It's hard to keep your temper in the midst of serious tasks, deadlines and people who misbehave.

Sometimes, it's easier to work independently.  But there's no choice but to work with teams.

Patience, my dear… patience

Bring Back Gaby

Oh well, the forumers are back in full force again.  I was informed that there are on-going petitions at forums to Bring Gaby Dela Merced Back in PBB Celebrity Edition.

So I drafted a letter and send it immediately.  <Uber Fanatic mode>

November 15, 2007

I am one with the countless supporters of Gaby dela Merced appealing to the management of Pinoy Big Brother to have her back in ways similar to Balik Bahay strategy once implemented in PBB Season 2. 

I have been an active forumer of PBB since the 1^st season of it and I have kept my faith that the thrust of PBB is after a personality that has distinctive and admirable trait.  Paying heed to the call of putting a deserving personality as Big Winner has convinced me to suggest that Gaby, indeed is qualified to be one.  I look at this competition not just a battle of personalities but a battle of principle.  

She might have chosen to leave PBB because of previous commitment and compelled to do so because of the 24-hour constraints.  She might have decided pursuing that passion because she knows that it has greater and longer impact to her and to our country which greatly rely on her and her racing skills. It is her responsibility as an athlete to go and improve her craft and not to take it for granted.  I find her very responsible for her actions and her passion.  But setting aside those complexities, we cannot just simply ignore that Gaby has huge following and a candidate for that deserving title.  It might be a personal decision to leave but give us the chance to prove that it’s the people’s clamor that will bring her back and will continue her quest in PBB. 

May you consider this request and give Gaby an opportunity again to prove her worth.  Who knows?  The nation’s pride might be PBB Celebrity Season 2’s big pride, too!  I will never go to a certain extent as this if I don’t believe in a person.  It’s just that I found something in her that I am very sure that there’s more her than just being a race goddess… in her own right, she proves to everyone … she is a born winner. 

I won’t do this if I don’t believe she can make it.   Bring Back Gaby…

Thank you and hoping for your most favorable action.

Actually I have two bets for this season, Yayo Aguila and Gaby Dela Merced!!! 

The Joy in my Heart

Love is like energy.  It can never be created nor destroyed.  It is just always there.  You just have to realize that fact and you have to learn that as soon as you stopped loving him in the way you did that love left to somewhere else.  Now all you have to do is find out where that love went.  That love went to whoever the next person in your life will be.  That next person could be one of your friends or someone you might dislike, you just have to find that out.

- Ian Philpot quotes

I have roughly lil time spent in sleeping in almost 3 days already.  My mind has been pre-occupied with beating deadlines that I skipped thinking of the less necessary things and avoided analyzing the situations that I know will surely affect my being and my moods.  Ask me of the very critical and problematic issues at work and I can answer it well but ask me about personal issues… i have no wise answers for it…

Oopps… I mentioned about "less necessary things".  But that made me think more than the deadlines I had…. hehehe

I am no longer in pain.  But there were some decisions that had made me feel so empty.  My officemates tend to call me "NR or NE", short for no reaction or no emotions at all.  Woohh!  I built around a fence around me that I do not allow anyone to hurt me again… I don't want it to happen again.

I dropped a tear.  And in the end, I smiled.  It has just described just how happy and sad I was in the entire journey that loving this person has led me.  I say goodbye to that man and to that feelings… but never on the memories and lessons it made me feel so human.

This is it.  The end of it all.    

For today, I am leaving two quotes for you to reflect on… Stay in love and keep love in your heart… ;-) 

Loving is a feeling that brings both joy and pain to my heart. Joy from being with you, being filled with an emotion so deep and tender that no other feeling can compare. Pain from knowing that I'm so in love, that I'm more vulnerable than I've ever.”

Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead. The consciousness of loving and being loved brings a warmth and richness to life that nothing else can bring.”

Blinking Lights

A few minutes before 12midnight, I was standing on the footbridge of Nagtahan.  I enjoyed watching the changing neon lights on the sides of the bridge. 

No matter how the lights are serving its true purpose, still, it cannot make the night vividly clear.  Nights are dark and mornings are bright.  The blinking lights cannot make the night completely bright.  You will have to wait for the sunrise so you will no longer see the darkest side.

That's the same thing about holding on and letting go.  You wrestle about the small happiness that holding on brings into your life and overlooked the possibilities that letting go can make your life a lot brighter and happier and relieved.

I may be sad for a moment if I chose to let go.  But that won't take me too long.  I will be happy soon with the decisions I made. 

Here are some quotes that had made me realize the true value of letting go. 

Bon Voyage Ren!   May your life be complete and happy with the choices you and I have made in our lives.  You will always be loved. I'll be missing the chocolate chip cookies… Everything will be fine in God's perfect time….  

“A sad thing in life is that sometimes you meet someone who means a lot to you only to find out in the end that it was never bound to be and you just have to let go.” - Anonymous

"Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong - sometimes it's letting go." - Anonymous

“Sometimes you have to let go to see if there was anything worth holding on to.” - Anonymous

"Letting go doesn't mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be." - Anonymous

"I'm going to smile and make you think I'm happy.  I'm going to laugh, so you don't see me cry.  I'm going to let you go in style, and even if it kills me - I'm going to smile." - Anonymous

      “Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.” - Oprah Winfrey

Plans 101

I reached the office at mid-lunch.  Upon entering the door, I got several information that demands more of the time and effort I am giving for the deadlines… as to where I will source out that needed

It’s as if any moment from now, panic button is about to be pushed.  Everything seems so alarming.  So I sat down, breathe for a while and thought of some strategy not to make it appear so stressful on our side.

Then I got several offline messages.  One was from Evy.  Glad that she’s still online at that time when work hasn’t penetrated yet my senses.

So we had exchange of messages… I found out that anytime soon I’ll be receiving a wedding invite and most probably the last bonding moment together of Gradskul Peks before she leaves for US.  As to what date is it, she wants it to be super surprise. Surely, I am the most teary-eyed among them… huhuhu

Honestly, though it wasn’t new anymore, I knew all along that Evy is getting married… but I still felt sad that she’s leaving.  My friends are all leaving for abroad… all doing serious at their lives…

I remembered Jacqui is also having serious plans of getting married and going abroad early next year.  Matto and Maan are now “serious” moms hehehe

Haaayyy… how time really flies so fast… I can still remember just how these have been initially planned in McDo in Tomas Morato hehehe… Matto’s 101 remember?

And glad that those plans are all coming to life… Advanced Best Wishes Evy and Bon Voyage [practice lang]